I shouldn't be feeling like this...
How to dodge the second arrow
I shouldn’t be feeling like this
This phrase has come up a lot this week and so I wanted to share my thoughts about it in case someone, somewhere finds it helpful.
Sometimes it’s ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this - there’s no reason for me to be feeling depressed/nervous etc’
Sometimes it’s ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this, there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am’
Sometimes it’s ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I have such a great life with people who love me’
Sometimes it’s ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this. There must be something wrong with me’.
With every ‘shouldn’t’ comes a new painful emotion - guilt, shame, fear, hopelessness.
These are the most common but the list is long! (Full disclosure: I’ve definitely heard myself saying ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I’m a therapist with all these tools and skills! I should be able to do something about it’.)
The second arrow
When I was reflecting on this I remembered about a Buddhist parable, The second arrow, and wanted to share a version of that with you.
The parable that says any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows come our way. The first arrow is the misfortune itself (in this case, an unwanted emotion). We can’t often do anything to prevent the first arrow. The second arrow however is a bit different. The second arrow is our reaction to the first arrow - in this case, the way we respond to our unwanted, painful feelings. This arrow with practice, we can learn to control or influence!
So let’s say I’m feeling really down and depressed (first arrow). If I start giving myself a hard time for feeling that way then I’m likely to add to the pain (second arrow). So when I’m telling myself that I shouldn’t feel a certain way, that I’ve got no right to feel sad, that I should be feeling happy or grateful etc etc then I’m adding to that pain.
So how do you dodge the second arrow?!
This is likely to sound so simple (but simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy). You’ll want to find your own style with this as for some people a matter-of-fact approach works, and for others a really gentle, compassionate approach is better.
Step 1
ACKNOWLEDGE the first arrow. ‘I am feeling really sad today’
TIP - Try not to use judgements here. Report how things are without putting a spin on them. It can be helpful to notice where in your body you’re experiencing that pain/emotion and to name it to yourself. Gathering information about the first arrow can help us to respond to it in the most helpful way.
Step 2
RECOGNISE that you don’t want to feel like this, that something has happened to you that you don’t want and didn’t ask for. Acknowledge that you’re a human being who is facing something difficult right now.
Step 3
BREATHE. Take a couple of deep breaths in through your nose down into your belly and exhale fully. It can be helpful to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4 (repeat) - box breathing. See if you can create some space inside your body, softening around any pain or discomfort when you inhale, and letting go of any tension you’re holding on the exhale.
Step 4
RESPOND with compassion and kindness. Again, this can be easier said than done, especially if you’ve not had a compassionate role-model in your life. This is where some self-knowledge can come in really handy - here are a couple of self-discovery prompts to get you started:
What brings me comfort when I’m feeling bad?
What do I need to hear right now?
What would my mind or body appreciate right now?